apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
