On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
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Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
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At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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