Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
