I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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