I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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