Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
