I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we made out on top of his cat.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
