I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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