If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
