Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
