My first STD was from a foam party
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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