I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
