Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
