my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The Olympian is in my bed
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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