I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
