The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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