Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
