UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
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My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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