If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
