What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
