i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
