What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
