Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
