God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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