Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
we're so committed to being not committed
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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