New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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