i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The best revenge is premature balding
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
