so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
