She is in my trunk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
