I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
