Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
