Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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