two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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