good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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