does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
