my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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