im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can text with my tongue
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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