oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
