Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
