This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
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You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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