Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
