I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
