I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
