omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
