I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
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No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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