I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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