Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
