so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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