Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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