You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
