i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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