I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
