I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize