I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
