where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
