i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
