He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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