Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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